Understanding the forms of Grief

Sep 16

In conjunction with Holly’s new “Healing Journal”, we are going to explore the types of grief. Grief as a concept, oftentimes, is oversimplified into this singular emotion. Like happiness, sadness, anger, and fear, grief is a broad term for a whole palette of feeling. It is a natural part of life and on a long enough timescale, universal. Yet each season of grief is deeply personal and complex in its presentation. As we release the “Healing Journal” as a tool designed to guide you through the process of grieving and healing, it is essential to expand our understanding of the many forms of grief. Simply knowing these distinctions can validate our own experiences and aid in our offering support to others.

There are five key types of grief: anticipator, traumatic, delayed, disenfranchised, and ambiguous. Each represented a unique complexion on grief. And each represents a distinct neural pathway of emotional response and healing.

TRAUMATIC GRIEF

Traumatic grief is delineated as a loss that is sudden, violent, or unexpected. It is more commonly felt as a shock; the shock of losing someone in an accident, a natural disaster, or to violence. And shock on that level can leave deep psychological wounds. In these cases, the grief often intertwines with trauma, thus complicating the healing process.

When we experience traumatic grief, the mind and body react. The intensity of this reaction ranges, but can lead to symptoms like hypervigilance, flashbacks (in various forms), and even dissociation. The shock actually seperates the mind from the body for our perceived saftey. To heal from traumatic grief, therefore, is two-fold: processing the loss itself, but also recovering from the physiological and psychological trauma that surrounds it.

DISENFRANCHISED GRIEF

Disenfranchised grief occurs when a loss is socially validated; grief that doesn’t fit the traditional narrative--death of pet, the end of a friendship, or the loss of a dream.

Society tends to prioritize the most radical, the most dramatic forms of emotion. And in so doing, prioritize certain types of grief over others. These results in those experiencing disenfranchising grief also feeling isolated, overlooked, or even ashamed. The key for healing from disenfranchising grief, therefore, is finding ways to validate these emotions. All grief is worthy of attention and processing, no matter the circumstances.

EMBRACING YOUR HEALING JOURNEY

These various types of grief often overlap and each and every person experiences them differently. That is what makes grief such a complex an difficult emotion. We must begin then at understanding that grief is an individual experience. It ebbs and flows, sometimes presenting all at once, sometimes in disorienting bursts over years. The “Healing Journal” is our attempt to support you through that process. Whatever stage of grief, whatever type, it is our hope that through guided reflection and prompts, you can find space to honor your emotions. And, in time, create your own path toward healing.

ANTICIPATORY GRIEF

Anticipatory grief is a form of grieving that occurs before a loss. It is most common when a loved one has a terminal illness. But it also presents when significant change is inevitable--the end of a relationship or divorce, a major life transition like changing schools or losing a job; anticipatory grief exists in that place where we know a chapter of life is coming to an end.

And it is complicated. On the one hand, it is useful to us. It allows us to prepare and emotionally process loss before it occurs. On the other hand, it often feels like we are grieving in isolation (especially when others don’t share the same foresight). Because our lives are most apparent to us, anticipatory grief can distance you from loved ones. They simply don’t have all the requisite knowledge to know that life is changing, that you are changing. Many people struggle with a kind of guilt for feeling a sense of loss “too early”. But it is important to recognize that anticipatory grief is a human and valid. It is a response to an upcoming life change. And even in the cases where the change is relatively minor in the scale of life and death, a move to a new city (for example), anticipatory grief is natural and expected. Life as you know it will change and that feeling is intense and difficult to manage, regardless if others see it at the same scope and scale as you do.

DELAYED GRIEF

Delayed grief is the antithesis of anticipatory grief; it is grief that doesn’t emerge right away. Sometimes, in the immediate aftermath of a loss, there is no room for emotional processing. Life simply does not allow it, we don’t allow it. We might be too focused on taking care of other loved ones, managing logistics, or simply surviving the moment.

Days, months, or even years later, these surpressed emotions may resurface. And while it can be disorienting, delayed grief is not a sign of sudden weakness. It is often a survival mechanism; our minds protecting us by allowing us to grieve in the space when we’re truly ready to face the depth of our emotions.

AMBIGUOUS GRIEF

Ambiguous grief is the result of a lack of clear-cut closure or resolution. This can happen when a loved one suffers from Alzheimer’s or dementia, it is a sense of absence when a person is physically present but their mental or emotional capacity has diminished. Ambiguous grief can also occur when a relationship doesn’t have a succinct end--the estrangement of a family member or simply a friend who drifts away.

This type of grief is particularly challenging because there isn’t a clear resolution, no “endpoint” in the emotional processing. The uncertainty can trap us in a cycle of hope and despair. And this cycle can halt our lives, minutely or completely. Acknowledging this form of grief is the crucial, first step toward finding peace.